Come on December 14...

I’m still having bad dreams about J. Last night I woke up at 4am. He and I were at an outdoor party and he got an emergency phone call from a friend of his girlfriend, saying she was ill and needed him to come right away.

He didn’t even look apologetic when I questioned him, completely unaware of how desperate I was in front of his friends to know the truth. I followed him. He took great care to carry this woman and put her on the couch and wipe her forehead with a damp cloth. It broke my heart.

In all my dreams I give him my ring back. I never say anything, just place it in front of him and walk away. In my dreams he’s leaving me, cheating on me, pretending I’m not there. Acting as if I'm a bother. Which is far from reality, but still, it takes hours sometimes to shake the feelings of that dream.

--------------------------------------------------------

Our pastor backed out on us due to his health a few weeks ago. Since then, I’ve been asking every Tom, Dick and Harry for their suggestions. I’ve called a reverend who married some friends of mine, one who would be open to marry J and I even with our different religions. For two weeks I've been getting an answering machine and a “Mailbox Full” every time. I was really hoping he would be the solution. *sigh* (Thanks for your help anyway Michelli!)

Latest is, there may be someone in J’s church that could do it. I've asked J to handle it, I just can’t keep this anxiety over the to-do’s in my life right now. I’m tired of feeling anxious all the time, tired of worrying about everything. Did I take the meat out to thaw? What are we going to wear for our engagement shots? Does J have shoes for that? Will I be able to find beads in my stash to whip up something for A’s prom barrettes before Friday? How will I fit everything in this weekend? When will I have time to exercise, my ass is getting bigger and I have a dress to fit into… When will I be able to mop the floors, finish the orders, contribute to the hall bathroom wallpaper fiasco, make the bridesmaid jewelry, meet with the florist, purchase a going-away outfit, choose a ceremony song?? Work out so I won’t be worrying about how I look like in my swimsuit on our honeymoon, and most of all, how I’ll look in my gown on the most important day of my life! And still fit time in for friends and family? “You never answer your phone anymore!” I’m exhausted. That half hour I will spend listening to you bitch about your worthless boyfriend? I could use that time to clean the toilets, make dinner, finish an order. Sorry. Stand in line.

Lately I look in the mirror and do NOT like the woman looking back at me. I KNOW it’s the stress. My skin is so pale, my body is not toned. I’m growing out my hair a bit so I can do something with it for the wedding and right now it is dragging my face down. I put on eye makeup and half way through the day I look like I’ve run a mile and it’s all gone. I cannot wait until December 14, after the wedding, after the preparations. I’m so ready to let all of this go. To be me again. To not worry about things. I’m holding back tears right now typing this. Probably not a good idea to do this at work.

I had hoped to come back with great news, with an uplifting post but really, I needed to come back for a little release. I can let go here, not burden my family or J with these thoughts. If you guys don’t want to listen, you can just leave – I won’t be hurt if you don’t listen, cuz I won’t know! Lol.

We did have our engagement shots this weekend, which was really a lot of fun. I’ll post those once we get them back.

I’m still visiting everyone. Reading your posts entertain me during the slow parts of my work day. Apologies if I don’t comment, I often just… don’t have anything witty to say. Miss you all. Promises of a happier post to come…