Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Finding my balance

It's 8:35 a.m. My sweet 6 month old bebe boy has gone down for his morning nap and I'm up, perky and feeling bright. Which would not have been the case last month with the night I had last night.

Midnight: Beau wakes up screaming, not crying, but screaming in his crib. I stumble, clouded in a daze to take care of him. PapaBear follows. A bottle and an hour of rocking/soothing/shushing later, he's finally sleeping soundly. This morning I vaguely remember Baber patting me on the back while I leaked a few tears of hurt and frustration. Last month I would have crawled back in bed during his morning nap because of last night, but not today. Because today, I have my balance.

Though it has taken 6 months, I do believe its here to stay. This balance, that is. There are books about pregnancy, nursing, raising baby, sleep methods. And I have them all. But the one book I could have used was one on how to balance life with baby at home and run a business full time. That book could have really saved me some heartache.

However, I know in my heart that this is the best way to have found it. Not by a book, on my own through trial(s) and (many) error(s). Sure, it took 6 months but I am stronger now. I am wiser now. Focused. Determined. Rested. I have been through the tough nights and slammed days, juggling pages of custom orders, trunk shows, local events all while trying my damnedest to be the best mommy to this precious baby boy of mine. Learning his needs, his wants, how to water him and grow him. I'm glad I went through the battle or else I wouldn't appreciate how far we've come, how much we've grown. How beautiful my little family is.

Last month I shut down. I told my loving, supportive husband "I can't do this anymore." I re-evaluated my life. I sat myself down on the outside and looked in: how was my family benefiting from a stressed out, exhausted wife and mother? Why would my husband *want* to come home to a frazzled wife? Why *wouldn't* Beau be a little fussy if his mommy was obviously unhappy? It occured to me that if I break, the rest of my family is going to be hugely affected by it.

So as some of you made have read, I put Jillry on part time. I'm working on cleaning and organizing my craft room and making it my Inspiration Room again. I'm going back to my true love of hand-crafting jewelry. When Beau naps, I work. I fix my hair and put on make up. (It feels good to feel pretty again.) I clean the lovely home we work so hard for. I prepare meals, grocery lists, do laundry. When Beau is up, I am not allowed to even *think* about work. Our time is our time, just mother and son. There is no room in my heart for anything else during those hours.

I am taking better care of myself now. Sure, I still take army showers but I recognize when I need a break and I ASK for it. And I know that my husband is crazy supportive and a wonderful father, but for some reason I felt like I didn't deserve to say MY TURN. I need this. Its amazing how much you can change mentally when you decide that you are NOT last on the totem pole. That really, there is no totem pole. We, as mothers, create this imaginery thing and hang onto it. Yes, our children and husbands andeveryoneelseontheplanet tend to come before us with their wants and needs, but in the end - say it with me? - IF MOMMA AIN'T HAPPY, NOBODY IS HAPPY.

Did you giggle? Good.

Simplicity used to be my favorite word. Now, it is Balance.

The point of this post? *sigh* I missed writing so much. As I am sitting here in my pajamas, messy hair (but with a face of make up!) and to-do list in front of me, I am tingling. I am happy. I know my husband will read this and think "She's back" and damn it, just saying that brought tears to my eyes. I'm sure he misses the inspired side of me. The side of me that loves to sing my love for him from the roof tops.... I'm sorry Baber. I promise to do better. (I love you. FRANKS AND BEANS!)

Back to "the point" - I hope that another stay at home business mommy (or ANY working mommy!!) is reading this and finds comfort in it, hope even! And I hope she realizes that she CAN be everything she wants to be but that she just needs to find her balance. Its out there. I promise.

Balance. Maybe I finally found what my tattoo should be? Nah.... ;)


Margen said...

This post makes my heart happy! I've missed these blogs :) You are a wonderful mommy and BB is blessed to you have you!! So is the baberhubby


Anonymous said...

Jill , you are one wonderful person, so open and honest with so much talent.. and so much heart....Most of us, at one time or another become temporarily misplaced, but are never able to admit it... Thank Goodness that we realize that our real "GEMS" are the members of our own family... Love you girl.....Keep on keepin on...

Cayce said...

It definitely brought tears to my eyes, because I lived it too. I'm sooooo glad to here that you are BACK! And rearranging priorities is a great way to start, Beau needs his Mommy and hubby needs you more than we (can't believe I'm saying this... ;) ) need jewelry. I'm sure all of your adoring friends and fans will be very supportive and understanding of your decision. Sometimes we get so caught up in trying to be everything to everyone aka Superwoman, that we do loose sight of who we are. I think it's wonderful that it ONLY took you 6 months to figure it out!!!!!! Thanks for sharing,
XOXO ~ Cayce

Sydney said...

Aw! *tears being wiped* You DESERVE all the happiness you can, you are a beautiful person inside & out and I'm so glad that you found yourself and your balance. These kiddos grow up too fast, I can't imagine a better way to spend your day then you do. Enjoy it Jill, you truly do deserve it.

LindseYaYa said...

I remember resurfacing after James was born... he was exactly six months old. I'm (floored) inspired that you are able to run a THRIVING fledgling business and transition your home and family to a family of three.

It takes GUTS for you to be where you are. It takes GRIT to make that leap. It takes tireless effort to be good at it. And it takes great insight to be able to RUN your business and home without letting your business run you!!! *and keep blogging when you can bc YOU are teaching ME a thing or two... and goodness knows I need it. ;)

p.s.- i like it when you and the BaberHusband get all kissy.face.


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