Change

It's Tuesday and I'm bored out of my mind. Usually I'm okay with change but lately I think I've had more time on my hands to notice it.

I came from a company that had its employees logging their actions every 5 minutes: timesheet, 10 minutes. Conference call, 25 minutes. Bathroom break, 5 minutes. We had a "helper" to do less demanding items on our to-do list because of our heavy workload. Overtime was not something I looked forward to, like most, because of the extra money. It was just more time I had to spend slaving away in that hell hole.

Now I sit comfortably in a cushy chair with an office to myself, complaining because I already have my work for the day done. I'm flipping through Redbook. I don't have to log my time.

There is a happy medium.

I get home from work and walk aimlessly around my little apartment. Sure, I could fold the clothes or straighten up the many areas that need de-cluttering, but I can't find a bone in my body that feels like doing that. I could scrap! Nope, don't feel like it. Cook? Watch TV? These days I feel lost. Eventually I do the stuff but I'm definitely on autopilot.

Another big change: J and I have been dating for a little over 9 months now. While I'm still completely in love with this man, I'm very much aware of the changes in our relationship over the last few months. The honeymoon stage is definitely over. Sweet little notes that were once left on each other's cars in the morning no longer exist. Daily phone calls and text messages are fading away. We talk less and "just be" more.

It saddens me to the point where I get teary-eyed thinking about the death of our honeymoon phase. And speaking of waterworks, I'm bored to tears at work with nothing to do. On top of it all, I have no one to discuss it with. Sure, it may seem like whoa-is-me here talking, but this overwhelming feeling of boredom and the sudden change in my life has knocked me for a loop.

I went from this maniacally happy person with tons of energy to a big blob of uncertainty, and for once in my life I feel like I don't know myself at all. And this is a really strange comparison, but I can't talk myself out of it like I imagine psycho chics try to stop themselves from being crazy. I mind-f*** myself --"Don't be sad, you have no reason to be sad. Smile and your emotions will catch up." Psycho chic -- "Don't run him over, they're probably just friends." Screeeecccchhhh!!!!

Maybe I just need a little sunshine and summertime in my life...