Friday, May 21, 2010

Losing Stuff

Stumbling and waddling down the hall this morning after Baber to kiss him bye, something comes to me:

I'm losing EVERYTHING.

My memory is gone. As in checked out and hasn't returned. I'm a bit paranoid about making mistakes with Jillry so I'm writing things down everywhere and listing everything.

I recently lost my toes. Oh where, oh where have my little toes gone, oh where, oh where can they beeee....

My waist. Pretty much gone.

My balance. Love for cooking. Care for cleaning.

In my college days I had this theory that the world had just so much of certain things and us earth-dwellers shared those things. The amount of weight in the world was constant: If I stepped on the scales and saw I gained a few pounds, sure enough my friend had lost a few. She'd laugh and say I gained the weight she lost.

Or love. By my senior year I decided that I had had enough love in my life, that maybe I was supposed to be single. That I had experienced my fair share of love and there was just so much that existed. My turn was over.

When I graduated and had a job waiting for me I decided that it was what I got in return for love lost. So you may lose in one department but gain in another area of life.

Hey, I was young. *shrug* But wait, I think I want to use that theory just one more time, if I can.

I may have lost my girlish figure, my ability to remember whether I washed my hair yesterday or not, the pep in my step, but I'm gaining something in return. Something so much larger than all those things that I imagine I'll never miss them again when he arrives.

Yesterday I was driving across town and as the baby kicked I swore that in my peripheral vision I saw my stomach move. I placed my hand on my tummy and the feel of him kicking from both inside and out was just ... crazy. This is what Jason is feeling, I thought. It could have been my mess of emotions or even the song playing in the background that heightened the moment for me, but I just started crying. Silly pregnant girl driving down the road, just a bawling.

So yeah. I may have lost all control of my emotions, but in return of all the things I've lost there's so much more to gain. Our son. :)

Fourteen more weeks to go Baby Beau. We can't wait to see who's responsible for Mama's "lost stuff".


LindseYaYa said...

Oh sweet friend. I think you hit the nail on the head--- you'll let a lot of things go over the next year or so. Making room for all the new stuff you will be adding, I suppose. It's gonna rock. I really promise. Will he be a Beau? Tell me he's a Beau!? I hope he is a Beau... :) xo

Margen said...

Jilly, You are such an inspiration- you will get everything back plus so much more!! Your blogs always make me happy and *grin*--> Im with Jason when I say BLOG MORE :) I know i need to do the same thing... hugs and kisses.

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