Friday, December 05, 2008

It takes some time...

... for me to be to adjust to change, to get comfortable with change, and most importantly, for the new to wear off said change.

I lived in a two bedroom apartment with my roomie for a year and when she moved out of state, I moved into a one bedroom in the same complex. It took me a year in my new apartment to be fully comfortable there. Took a while to feel like home.

It took almost a year or so to feel comfy in my new car. For it to really feel like it was mine. My parents drove in front of me to the dealership to trade in my Camaro and I remember calling them to pull over because I was crying so much I couldn't see to drive. I mourned for my Camaro.

Right now, I'm starting to feel a little more comfy in our new home. I still go to the wrong cabinets for things, I'm still confused about certain light switches and fan pulls. I sit on my couch and look around the den, seeing empty walls and wondering when I'll feel completely comfy there like I did after four years at my apartment.

When J and I started dating, we were instantly comfy with each other because we had known each other since highschool. However, the newness of our relationship took a good while to wear off for me. The honeymoon phase lasted nearly a year.

When J proposed... I was on Cloud 9 for months. Still am, really. And for the last few months I've been wishing and wishing for December 13th to hurry up! and now I'm all "Only 8 days left for me to be his fiancee". I know, its weird. But I always mourn what I'm going to lose before the change comes. But when the change is here, it stays so fresh and so real to me for so long.

It has its pros and cons. I love the part in me that welcomes the change and feels it so intensely longer than most people may. When I first moved into my own apartment, I would just squeal in the middle of my den doing laundry because it was MY VERY OWN APARTMENT! I felt so grown up, though I had been an adult for years... *smirk* When I began to get used to my new car, I would look at the leather seats and think "Wow, this sure is fancy for the first car I purchased for myself!" I really appreciated it.

I really appreciated me and J's relationship in the beginning. I still do now, but in a different way. In the beginning, I would just be in awe of the things he would say to me and think "I am so lucky." I would thank God for putting us in each others paths.

I peer into my freshly painted bathroom with our new shower curtain. Walk down my very own hallway. And I think, this is mine. This is OURS. We bought this. We own this. Wow. And I'm so grateful for it, almost as if someone else gave it to us. I love that part in me. I hope it never goes away.

The cons are that I do sometimes mourn the past. Wish and want for the things I used to have. I've said this before, but, J fell out of the honeymoon phase before me. Of course, there's no wrong or right time, we were just at different stages in our relationship. I would look into his eyes all googly and girly like and just wished he would feel that giddy romance the way I still did.

For the longest after I purchased my little Accord, I missed a certain ride down a particular road with the windows down. The radio turned loud. The feeling of driving down an empty road in a sexy black sports car with the wind whipping through my hair. I missed that. I even missed the attention I used to get in that car a little. (Okay, more than a little, but that's the vain woman in me!)

I miss the cozy feeling my apartment had. The little fireplace, the glass sliding doors, the strange security of living close to lots of people I didn't know all that well. Walking a quarter mile to the mailbox. Being in the middle of town.

In a way, its like that saying goes about how if you didn't have bad days or mediocre days you wouldn't appreciate the good ones.

I'm looking forward to December 13th. Looking forward to the change. From being J's fiancee to J's wife. Wife. I say it over and over and my mouth feels strange forming the word. Family. My new family. My husband. I'm so looking forward to it. But, its change. A huge change. A change I'm really ready for. I don't think I'll mourn the past this time.

Just wanted to get that thought out of my brain.

On another note, this weekend are our bachelor/bachelorette partys. I'm doing a dinner/lingerie party/out to see an awesome local band sort of night on Saturday with my girls. J is going to a Saints game all day Sunday with his boys. Its going to be interesting, having Sunday to myself. Being apart most of the weekend. Absence makes the heart grow fonder though, right? :)

Hope everyone has a great weekend! Ta ta for now...


AJ said...

I TOTALLY get this BIG TIME. Changes are strange for me too. And I still feel like I am in the honeymoon stage at times with Aus and he definitely "matured" from that long ago. I think part of it is just being the women that we are. Its part of a woman's nature. I never apologize for it. ;-) We traded my little scion coupe two weeks ago for a Saturn SUV mommy mobile. It took everything in me to leave my car at that dealer. :( But here, here to GOOD changes for the both of us. I am so excited for you! Enjoy your weekend!

Roxrocks said...

I moved the coffee out of the cupboard three months ago and put it on the countertop and I still open the cupboard looking for the coffee every single time.

We are creatures of habit.

It's good to mix things up once in a while though!

jason said...

Im excited for this change too! I cant wait to call you "The Wife." I love you Mrs. C!

Jessica said...

I can relate very well, change is hard. Especially, it seems, for women. Who would've figured. lol Hope you had a great time this weekend!

C said...

i have felt just like you, SO many times. think it's cuz we're scorpios, perhaps???? nah, it's just because we have tender hearts. we appreciate what we have, we have to slowly slip into the change, even when it's a good change... then we take our time making ourselves comfy cozy. it's ok to be like this and do it at our own pace. people like us are very sensitive to our environment and what surrounds us. we are the thinkers, we watch what goes on around us, we process it in our own time, and then feel comfortable once we understand it.
on another note, if you should get real busy with your upcoming wedding, i just wanna say god bless you both, happy, happy wedding day, and bask in the love that surrounds you, as you deserve it.

Stacie said...

I love this about you Jilly. I know exactly what you mean, I feel that way every time I move and every time I'm just about feeling "at home" or comfortable it's time to move again.

You and J are going to be so happy together..

and just so you know, DH and I are at different stages too, I still look at him all googly eyed sometimes and he looks at me and says "what's wrong with you? Why you lookin' at me like that?" I say because I love you baby..he says...I love you too, stop lookin' at me like that, you're creepin' me out! figure!


Jay said...

Even if takes you time to adjust, it's way better than thinking you can stop change from happening in the first place.

Real Live Lesbian said...

We've lived in our new house since the end of August. I still haven't figured out the switches and i still sit in there and go...


I live in a log house.

I get it.

Michelle Sanders said...

So nice hanging seeing you Saturday. Wish I could have hung out longer...previous know how that goes! Can't wait to see all decked out in all white! See ya this weekend! *EKKKKK!*

Anonymous said...

I have been through so much change over the past year that anything new seems normal to me. Too bad not much of it has been good change.

I guess we all adjust to change in our own ways.We are creatures of habit.

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