Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Back to US.

Good morning. *yawn* Just had two mini sausage biscuits for breakfast, the ones Mom used to make for us as kids before school. Remember those? They are just as yummy as I remembered them to be. Pregnancy has lessened my love for cooking lately, so I've found myself searching for quick fixes such as this to make my day easier. I hope the love comes back. Grocery shopping isn't nearly as fun either...

Today is Tuesday. Its wet and yucky outside. I'm 15 weeks, 3 days along.

Over the last few nights I've slept with a spare pillow tucked under me as I lay on my side. The days of sleeping straight on my belly are pretty much over and I am sad. I'm very much a stomach sleeper. I wake very often to flip because an arm has fallen asleep. I need to take a class on how to sleep on your side.

Last night I had Official Breakdown #2. (If you missed the first one, it was really silly and really not worth repeating... I let a few inconsiderate people aggravate me and became really agitated... annnd had a bit of an adult temper tantrum. Went to my room to puff, J came after me, snuggled me and gave me "that look" until I started laughing. That man is something else.)

J and I have been in a rut lately. Before I had mentioned that I felt as if we were just *waiting* for baby to arrive. Quietly doing our own things on opposite ends of the couch, occasionally talking here and there. Lately I've been bothered by our routine...

Wake up, work, come home. TV, computer, iPhone games, books. Dinner, then more of the same before bed.

Let's be honest, I'm much more emotional now. So on the nights when my books don't satisfy me and there's nothing on the television, my mind starts to wonder.

Is he bored with me?
Things are changing so fast...
My belly is jelly. I eat more often. Is that gross to him?
I don't want to cook like before, am I neglecting him?

And so last night I break down a little. I'm struggling with finishing my taxes and it weakens my spirit. So I close the computer and lay across the sectional with him. He's staring at me and rubbing my belly and pushing my messy hair behind my ears. And I can't help it so I let it all out, tell him everything about my recent insecurities. He smiles, nods, listens.

I also tell him I'm scared. I was never the woman who wanted children ever since she could remember. And I don't remember truly having baby fever. The idea of carrying a child has always freaked me out a little. The idea of not being in control, of changing so much.

He says I'm pregnant, I'm supposed to be eating more. He tells me I hardly look any different than before besides the protruding bump beneath my belly button.

He says You don't like change. Things are going to change babe, but we're facing good changes.

He comforts me, let's me cry and I feel better. He tells me I'm beautiful and thanks me for carrying his child. I thank him for letting me purge.

I realize how lucky I am to have him. I know that life is all about change. Still, the unknown shakes me. But I know he's beside me the whole way and that comforts me.

I tell him I want to get back to us. And then I go make myself something else to eat... :)

Before I go, a few things to log for baby:

Cravings: oranges, oranges, oranges. I was all about pickles there for a minute, though that may have had something to do with the heartburn I had every night. Drinking straight from the pickle jar most nights to cool the burn.

Heartburn: Pretty much gone. I'm eating small meals throughout the day to lessen bloating and potential heartburn. I laugh and say I'm high maintenance now. I feel like Pam on The Office with my first breakfast and second breakfast, dinner and second dinner. Turkey and cheese on a piece of wheat, an orange, a small helping of dinner, etc. I've noticed this way of eating helps tremendously. Learning along the way...

Names: We're still not taking this part seriously. When someone asks what we're going to name the baby, Baber says "Drew Brees Brett Favre". My brother and dad got a good kick outta that one. We're just waiting until we find out the sex, that should make it a little easier.

Finding out the sex: 5 more weeks.

Size of the baby: 4 inches long, the size of an apple. (A baberapple?) Think the size of your fist. When I learned this I placed my hand down to my belly and looked at J. We both just stared at each other in wonder. Its not a little bean anymore!

Changes in me: My belly is still jelly, but its hardening now. When J comes in to hug and kiss me bye before work, I can feel the hard dome of my belly when he lays on me now. He's learning to arch or lay to the side of me. He does it without me telling him. Its cute.

Changes in husband: I see more of his protective side these days, to me and to the baby. I've been sick for the past two days so I've been taking the recommended dose of medicine to get me through the day. He presses me to hold off a little. I tell him its doctor approved, not to worry. Baby is okay.

My next appointment: Next week on Tuesday, March 16th.

I'll wrap up now... Off to put stew meat and gravy in the crockpot for dinner tonight; it was a request from the Baberhusband. Then off for errands and to prep for upcoming home jewelry parties and craft shows.

Its going to be a crazy weekend. I hope we have time for a date. To get back to US. :)


Crissy said...

...tears rolling down my face...
Aww Jill, I had all the same feelings. I said I would NEVER have kids, ahem, notice I have 5!!! I still feel those kinda things now with Kyle as I am trying to get back to pre-baby shape. Hon, it IS normal. You ARE loved and so so many are here if you do need an ear. Jason is a good man..and yes, yall are changing...but into something so much better....yall are bringing life into this world together, how awesome is that?!

Sydney said...

Aw, Jill, you got me all teared up again!

I completely agree w/ you and Crissy. It's like hearing all the thoughts and concerns I had too. I still struggle with my body image now but I try to just keep thinking positive.

You and J sound like an amazing coulple. It seems like the closer a couple is, the easier it is to fall in a "rut". You know the likes and dislikes of each other, you know the mood the other is in by just simply looking at the person. But taking those little extra steps, like a date, are so refreshing.

And lol to a preggo class for sleeping!! It's a million dollar idea Jill, Ha!

You're beautiful Jill, inside and out, getting your feelings out is the best thing to do, don't feel like any breakdown is silly. It's your body's way of keeping you healthy :)

LindseYaYa said...

Well, it sounds like all is as it should be! :)

Some days I think I know so much... others, I wonder how I've made it this far. But one thing I believe is certain- for my security and marriage, is conversation. Just like you are talking about here. Yall breaking it down and talking/listening to each other. *theBaber is right, no matter what you are on the very cusp of Change. And with each new milestone along the way, things will change again a little. So yall reconnecting and talking is essential... or at least I think it is. :)

Me and theHotness have a very deliberate relationship that way. We talk and plan and reflect every.single.day... some days deeper than others. It's the key to our *magic.* We are a team. :)

Loved the post... I was an orange and lemon girl, too. ;) xo


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