Tuesday, August 14, 2007

My 2nd Date from Hell

Sorry about the lack of posts lately. I haven’t felt very bloggy. Plus, I’ve recently replaced my evening couch sessions with a little more movement. With a much awaited and needed vacation only 3 weeks away I’m starting to feel like maybe I should try jumping on the mini trampoline a little more and walking instead of watching the Food Network so much.

Now that I’ve explained my lack of posting (like you care) I can carry on with the purpose of this post. Get ready for the 2nd installment of MY DATES FROM HELL. You may need a few beers for this one.


My Date from Hell – Tim McGraw look-alike

One night my old roomie and I went out to a cheesy nightclub with very cheesy music and even cheesier old men dancing like they were on the Studio 54 dance floor. We knew it would be a night of defense and standing in ridiculous lines just to get a cheaper beer, but we were tired of the same old scene.

During the night, while trying to refuse a drink offer and repeatedly failing to get the point across, I noticed a guy blatantly laughing at me and my predicament. My roomie wasn’t able to help much seeing as Drink Guy had enough alcohol in him to open his own bar. I was starting to get annoyed. Suddenly the Laughing Guy walks up and rescues me.

“Here you go, Hun” he says, handing me a beer. I look at him, amazed as I take the beer from him. Laughing Guy turns his stare to Drink Guy, who in his alcoholic stupor stumbles away.

“Thanks,” I say, laughing, realizing I had just witnessed the oldest trick in the book.
“Not a problem. You looked miserable,” he replies, and reaches out for the beer in my hand. “Sorry, I’m gonna need that back. Just stood in line 20 minutes for that.”

Then the conversation goes dead and I raise my eyebrows, tell him thanks again and walk off. The night goes on. Roomie and I have entirely too much to drink and decide to call it a night. On our way out Laughing Guy ends up in stride along side me. Doesn’t say anything, just walks beside me. My roomie looks over past me and at him, then back at me, and snickers, walking off faster to the car we probably shouldn’t be driving. I look over at him and my mouth drops a little. I stop. He stops.

“You look like Tim McGraw,” I say, and he rolls his eyes.
“You got anything better than that?” He asks and I’m stunned.
“What? No, it wasn’t a pick up… YOU are following ME,” I say. He smiles.

To make a long story short, Tim McGraw ends up with my number. On our first date a week later, I meet him at a local bar. We arrive at the same time and take a tall table in the corner. I order a beer and he immediately orders two shots for us. I hesitate, but knock it back anyway. Take the edge off. Then the sirens go off – he orders two more shots not even 10 minutes later. I pass on the second, take my share of the third round and pass on the fourth. He ends up downing the shots I refuse, and I ask him how he’s going to drive himself home. He gives me this creepy smile and I’m immediately put into defense mode. Thirty minutes into our first date and we have our first argument. I finally convince him I don’t let boys stay over because it’s against my religion. When he says he doesn’t believe me I tell him he’s Satan, so its understandable.

Eventually he stops drinking and I walk – correction - drag him to his truck to call a buddy to pick him up. Twice I have to yank his hand off my ass. It’s after the call to his frind that he does the most horrible, embarrassing thing a man can ever do to me: he sings to me. Not like the kind of singing where you’re being funny holding a fake microphone sing. I mean for real sing. We’re in the parking lot and he has selected a country cd and the song that “better enhances his singing talent.” You must be kidding me.

And then he grabs me, a la Dancing with the Stars style and starts dancing with me. I’m frantically looking around the well lit parking lot, waiting for someone to come out with the cameras. A car screeches to a halt just feet from us as we are dancing in the empty parking spot its trying to park in. The driver honks, Tim McGraw flips the bird WHILE HE’S STILL SINGING and twirls me, right in front of this car. The car ends up backing out and leaving, but Mr. McGraw keeps on dancing. And I can’t get out of his grasp. I protest several times and try to wiggle out, and the more I do, the louder he sings. I’m almost in tears at this point. Not because I think he’s crazy and going to hurt me, but because I’m so embarrassed I could crawl into a hole and DIE.

When his friend finally shows up, I’m sitting on the parking curb with my head between my legs. Unfortunately for Tim McGraw, he was doing the same for a different reason a few spots down from me. He’s still singing. The friend rolls the window down and yells “Get in!!” and speeds off with my country singer. I sit on the curb, alone in the vacant parking lot at 2:30 in the morning exhausted and astonished. No thanks for babysitting my friend, no thanks for sitting with me for over an hour, nothing. Still, I’m relived that I never have to see him again and get into my car and drive home.

When I get home, I have 3 missed calls on my cell. All three of them are voicemails of Tim McGraw, singing…

23 comments:

fatwonkkid said...

the first reaction i had to the story was "you should have shit on his car"

...always go with your gut reaction!

Hammer said...

That is frigging awful. Reading stuff like this makes me glad I don't do the bar scene any more.

Lady in the street... said...

Good god, that's a horrendous date. I'd say the first red flag was when he asked for his beer back after he let you "borrow" it. What an ass.

I went on a date in the 10th grade and the guy watched me count out coins to pay for my sticky buns at Eat 'n Park. That's my date story.

Kelly said...

oh my gosh! that is insane! I would have kneed him in the crotch... OMG! What is with me and the ball shots?!?! My next date best be on his best behavior!! LOL

But anyway, I think this was the same guy that passed up UNDER our car when a group of us were at the bar one night.

We threw water on him to wake him, watched him pee on our car, and left him in the parking lot. (he was about an hour and a half away from home.) he shouldn't have peed on our car!

NamesAreHardToPick said...

Wow, now that's bad. See when females get drunk and sing, they don't sound too bad, but a country guy doing that ... oh man.

I'm surprised though you weren't a little scared as if I were a chick and with a drunk guy singing that wouldn't let me go, I'd be terrified.

Jenny! said...

Of course we care...Food Network is the most addicting thing...sometimes the food doesnt even look that good, but I can't stop! Especially Iron Chef!

jason said...

I love it!
All these bad dates happened so me and you could hook up!.......and they make us good guys (me) look even better! Gimme more! More bad date stories. NOW! p.s. Papi misses you baby

-Papa said...

Granted, you're no longer in need of the following tip, but you can pass this on. The fastest way to get rid of a guy wanting to buy you a drink is to say, "Keep the drink just give me the money."

You're were being a great human being by babysitting the alcoholic clone Tim McGraw. I think you should have gotten him a little more juiced up, taken the money out of his wallet, and left him in the parking lot stripped to his undies tied to a pole. That'd give him something to sing about. :)

Christie said...

I would have left his drunk ass in the parking lot. But I'm mean that way. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but it sure is funny as hell to read about.

Paul Champagne said...

Maybe you should start hanging out at the library instead of bars ... you'll probably still meet a bunch of jerks ... but at least they'll be sober (maybe)

Trevor Record said...

That was a pretty funny horror story. The part where you are forced into dancing I could sort of picture.

You know I think I have sung to ladies in the past. Hmm, I will have to remember not to do that.

Steph said...

You are way too nice for babysitting his drunk arse. He didn't deserve the kindess.

Captain Smack said...

I remember you. I was the guy who was trying to buy you a drink. I know I was pretty hammered that night, but still, you should've went with me. I'm a really good singer.

random moments said...

fatwonkkid - Bleh! Maybe if I were drunk I would have thrown up on him! But, I wasn't so lucky.

hammer - Yes. I thank my lucky stars every night I don't have to either.

lady - I think I would have found somewhere to shove that sticky bun after having to pay in coins for it. :)

kelly - I love when people talk about ball shots. It's just funny, though I'd never do it. Unless I HAD to of course...

omg - I think it WAS the same guy. Why didn't you run over him and save me some trouble? lol!

names - I guess I wasn't scared because he just seemed so pitiful and clueless. And I was too annoyed to be scared. Think I would have killed him before he tried killing me.

jenny - Iron Chef rocks! So does Rachal Ray and that cute but way too happy Italian chic. Yummers.

jason - This date was just a stepping stone on my way to you. After all the bad dates I've been on, you asking me to marry you 6 times when we met up again didn't even phase me! ;) hehehe.

papa - you would have been a great girl. Definitely someone I would have hung out with in my bar days. "That guy just harrassed me. Take care of him for me will ya?"

christie - yeah, now that its years later I can laugh at it too. Took a while to get over (not really. Okay maybe.)

paul - thank GOD I'm dating someone and haven't had to frequent the bar since for a few years now. Goodbye therapy!!

trevor - jason sings to me in a very humorous, light-hearted way and I love it. I think it's the seriousness of the guy singing that freaks me out - like those people that sing horribly at karaoke but really think their good and will make it someday.

steph - I am too nice, aren't I? Definitely my downfall.

captain - Oh hi! I'm sure you are a nice person when sober, really. Sorry about that.

random moments said...

*GASP* I just made my biggest pet peeve grammatical error. I'm sure you all noticed - my comment to trevor should include the word they're instead of their. *sob*

Is it too late to take it back???

-Papa said...

"you would have been a great girl...,"
Ahem, I would not only have been a great girl, but had I been born with a uterus I'd be the Empress of the world right about now.

"Definitely someone I would have hung out with in my bar days...."
Yeah..., but I don't think we would have gotten along. :P

Dan said...

What's the matter, you didn't like my singing?? Geez, it's not easy to sing when I'm that sh*t-faced! Cut me some slack next time! :)

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Ah, aren't we men FUN?

Kelly said...

I could have but then we wouldn't have had this wonderful story to hear from you. It did it for the common good. :-)

I have been known to delete huge comments because I make stupid errors. I try not to reread, and just assume I didn't make myself look like an uneducated idiot. :-)

random moments said...

papa - Fine. Be that way. ;p

dan - yeah, you know that money I tucked in your pocket before speeding off in your friend's truck? That was for voice lessons. Hehehe *snort*

lbb - you have no idea... Dating should be considered a SPORT.

kelly - Ahh, this is true.

I grew up in a household where my parent's would say "Ain't ain't a word!" Mom was an English/Language teacher. Fun stuff. But, I can appreciate it now!

Ari said...

I think I'd still prefer this guy to the last one, because I'm the same way. After 4 or 5 shots, I'd be the Faith Hill to his Tim McGraw.

Nocturnal said...

Lordy, that's just scary.

Chunks said...

I love these dating stories! More please!

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