Tuesday, August 07, 2007

My Dates from HELL

Over the past year and a half I’ve entertained my boyfriend with tales of past dates gone terribly wrong. Before that I humored friends and even sometimes family with the nightmares. I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I should document them.

So, you are my guinea pigs. My plan is to post a new date horror every week, but with my commitment-phobia and procrastination issues, I’m not sure if I’ll be consistent. Plus, though I do have my fair share of hellish date stories, we all know they can’t go on forever. I hope you find them entertaining!

Hellish Date #1 – Mr. Harry NoManners

Go ahead and get some popcorn so you can settle in. It’s gonna be a long one…

Due to the fact that some of my friends read my blog, I shall call my first victim Harry NoManners. Harry because there wasn’t an inch of body that didn’t have hair on it – of course other than the parts I DID NOT SEE because I am not a SLUTWHORE. And NoManners I think speaks for itself.

I knew Harry back in high school and ran into him a couple years ago. He asked me on a date and I thought, What the hell.

Harry took me to a nice restaurant with about an hour wait. We settled into the bar, and after ordering a lemon drop martini for me and a bottle of wine for him, he closed the tab. Strike #1.

Now, before you go judging me, let me tell you that he was all too eager to tell me the reason why he closed the tab out. “Because those martinis are pricy,” even though he turned his nose up at my first choice of beer. And the reason for the entire bottle of wine? It was less expensive by the bottle and he planned on bringing the bottle to the table with us.

Less than an hour later we are seated at a table and checking out the goods on the menu. I have decided to brush off the bar scene and try to enjoy the date. Harry looks up from his menu and says “This looks good: Grilled Pork with Beef Steak Tomatoes” and I frown. I tell him I don’t like tomatoes and say that the Caesar salad looks good, I think I’ll get that. He then says “Let’s share the Grilled Pork and Beef Steak Tomato plate,” to which I reply “I’d rather not, I don’t like tomatoes.” (Are you counting? Second time in 1 minute that I’ve told him this. Strike #2. Not listening.)

The waiter comes up to the table and asks for our order. Harry says we’re good on drinks and would like to share the Grilled Pork Dish with the Beef Steak Tomatoes.


The waiter looks at him like Oh I bet you’re a good tipper! and I’m feeling his pain. This is a nice restaurant. If you want to share a dish, go to Chili’s or Applebee’s and split the towering nachos for crying out loud.

The waiter looks at me and I say “If my date doesn’t mind, I’d like the chicken Caesar, seeing as I don’t like tomatoes,” and I hand him my menu. When the waiter walks away seemingly pleased that his entire table isn’t filled with cheap asses, my date says “I didn’t know you don’t like tomatoes.”

For some reason I accept other meetings with this man, and on the 3rd occasion I tell him to come to my apartment where my roommate can be an attendee on what is sure to be an entertaining night. Our topics of conversations land all over the map. During a small silence, my roomie asks what I plan to give my mother for her birthday. Before I can answer, Harry speaks up:

Harry: “I always give my mother jewelry.”
Roomie and I: “Awww. That’s so sweet.”
Clearly we are fools.
Harry: “Yeah well I figure, if I give my mother jewelry on birthdays, Christmas, and Mother’s Days, I’ll eventually inherit the stuff I give her. I think of it as an investment.”

I’m not kidding. And it doesn’t get any better….

The last “date” was the icing on the cake. I had already decided that I would have the talk with him, you know, the whole we’re-better-off-as-friends spill. He says he wants to cook dinner for me at his place. I give him a courtesy call on the way to see if he needs me to pick anything up. I’m walking down the wine aisle thinking I’ll pick up a merlot when he replies “Um, yeah actually I could. Can you pick up some boneless skinless chicken?” I come to a dead stop mid-aisle. Who invites someone over to cook them dinner and asks them to bring the main ingredient? I know I asked but COME ON.

I’m back on the road and going by his directions. By the time I get into his area of town – a 35 minute drive – it’s dark. I turn down the road he lives on, which is a creepy, twisty gravel road. 45 minutes later I turn into his drive.

Harry opens the door in a pair of cut off sweats and his work t-shirt. This is the same friggin blue t-shirt I’ve seen him in 5 out of the 6 times we’ve hung out together. He seems frazzled as he opens the door and I wonder if it’s over the dinner he’s preparing.

I enter the kitchen with the wine and chicken and immediately ask for a bottle opener. As he’s looking for it I take a quick scan of the kitchen. There are no pots or pans, or any sign of dinner. Maybe he was waiting on the chicken?

He takes the bottle opener and pours himself a glass of wine and walks off. Shaking my head, I reach over and pour myself a glass. Then he turns to me, standing before his pantry and says “What do you want for dinner?”

At this point I’m so over it I really wouldn’t feel bad walking out the house (and bringing the wine with me). I shrug and say “I thought you had dinner planned?”

Now, I’m one of the most laid back girls you can date. Take me for a beer and pizza to watch the game – I may not understand the game, but I won’t complain. I’ll cook for you, come on over! I don’t need Mr. Manners, but I do need a please and thank you, and some general etiquette.

Numero uno would be – If you ask me over to dinner, have it planned out. I don’t care if its hot dogs on the grill, have a freaking plan.

Thirty minutes later we’re eating generic boxed mac & cheese and burned chicken breasts. After dinner he wants to watch a movie. As he’s putting in the surprise, I’m wording my “friends” speech in my head. I look up and to my surprise he’s walking over to the couch smiling, apparently pretty pleased with himself as the Stars Wars opening song plays loudly through his surround sound.

Needless to say I got a headache a third of the way through the movie and broke it off with him over the phone the next day.


Anonymous said...

In defense of your romeo in this movie, most guys are fairly clueless when it comes to their terrible failings. I would be willing to bet that he still doesn't know "what your deal was".

Hammer said...

A friend of mine is clueless like that. It is sad. Nothing anyone says or does registers.

Harry,oh man what a mess. I almost feel embarassed for him.

Paul Champagne said...

Sorry Trevor, but most guys aren't that clueless ... maybe this guy was ... but not most.

But the main question is ... Why did you continue to see this dufus? I can understand a second date (most people screw up first dates because of nerves), but 5 or 6 times????

Let's just chalk it up to youth.

Nocturnal said...

I agree with Paul, this guy sounds like a typical self-centered youth who loves the words "Me" and "I" a bit to much.


Ari said...

OH. MY. LORD. This should be in The Bad Date Book. What an ass!! And as for "most guys," I have no idea how you get to be older than 12 with this mentality. In a just world, he'd have had his dating and reproductive licenses revoked.

fatwonkkid said...

wow, that is awesome. I think I would have continued to go out with him just for the hilarious stories.

- getting a bottle of wine is a good idea. alcohol is such a rip off. but closing the tab...eh...what if your date wants another drink.

- the jewelry thing is pretty funny...kinda makes sense seeing as how it seems like he is a cheap bastard. but you don't admit that to a date without laughter to cover up the fact that you are serious

- it would have been funny if after he poured his drink you grabbed the bottle and started swigging directly from it

- so how long would it take for him to break up with you if you were completely obnoxious and rude like he is... days, weeks, months, never?

Personally I would have dragged his ass out on the carpet. Question him and watch him squirm over his actions. Kinda like slowly pulling the legs off an insect. It could have been amusing and painfully enlightening for him.

NamesAreHardToPick said...

I'll try to avoid any stereotype and just state that this guy didn't listen, clearly, and then made plans, but didn't makes plans. He was like a walking contradiction, "oh I'll cook dinner" and no food. Still, I admire your patience. It could have been easy to just give up on the first date.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Delightful. Man, I don't miss being single.

Great post.

jason said...

HA! Thats one of my faves! Dumbasses like that make us good guys look even better! Was that too conceited? I cant wait for the next bad date story. Love u babe!

random moments said...

trevor - to be clear, I never actually acted out against his behavior. And I never alerted him of his bad manners. (Maybe I should have?) He was shocked when I called it off, never saw it coming.

hammer - I know, it's like you want to help them but they don't really get it anyway, so what's the point?

paul - You are so right - the majority of guys aren't! I liked him as a person and felt a little bad for him. *shrug* I was just trying I guess.

nocturnal - so on the money with that one!

ari - ha! He was an only child and I have a feeling his mom babied him instead of teaching him manners.

fatwonkkid - In a way I think I did hang on a bit because I was so amazed at his behavior and found it a great topic of conversation and analysis for me and my roomie.

Swig directly from the bottle - why didn't I think of that?!

names - thanks, I'd like to think of it as patience! Cutting it off on the first date is ruthless, and I'm all about second (and third and fourth) chances.

LBB - Thanks! And cheers to no-longer-being-single! *whew*

Jason - I knew you liked that one. ;) And not conceited - just honest. Muah!

-Papa said...

Wow, that's a bad date alright, but lesson(s) learned, and I think this revealing date post shows you've got a big heart larger than the world's biggest grown tomatoe. Good thing you don't like tomatoes. ;P

Jenny! said...

I think he's on to something with the jewlery as a present and being an investment thing...I should totally due that, but I wouldnt tell people that!

What a douche bag! Baby, you should go on a date with me...I'll treat you right!

random moments said...

Aw shucks Papa.

Jenny - yeah, even if you think it, you don't say it!!

Pick me up at 8? ;)

random moments said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dave Morris said...

I'm... not clear on... why you... broke it off with the dude. Can you clarify?


Christie said...

I feel embarrassed for him, too. What an asshat, seriously. Reading that makes me so happy to be married. Dating sucks.

Anonymous said...

LMAO!! That is the worst! You should definitely continue these! This was hysterical! I wanted to kick the guy in the nuts myself!

You have a gift... all be it that it came from bad dates... but still... wonderful!

:-) haha

it's the little things... said...

Oh that is horrible! Awful! Asking you to bring the boneless, skinless chicken just sounds so awful I will laugh every time I see it from now on!

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