Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Come on December 14...

I’m still having bad dreams about J. Last night I woke up at 4am. He and I were at an outdoor party and he got an emergency phone call from a friend of his girlfriend, saying she was ill and needed him to come right away.

He didn’t even look apologetic when I questioned him, completely unaware of how desperate I was in front of his friends to know the truth. I followed him. He took great care to carry this woman and put her on the couch and wipe her forehead with a damp cloth. It broke my heart.

In all my dreams I give him my ring back. I never say anything, just place it in front of him and walk away. In my dreams he’s leaving me, cheating on me, pretending I’m not there. Acting as if I'm a bother. Which is far from reality, but still, it takes hours sometimes to shake the feelings of that dream.

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Our pastor backed out on us due to his health a few weeks ago. Since then, I’ve been asking every Tom, Dick and Harry for their suggestions. I’ve called a reverend who married some friends of mine, one who would be open to marry J and I even with our different religions. For two weeks I've been getting an answering machine and a “Mailbox Full” every time. I was really hoping he would be the solution. *sigh* (Thanks for your help anyway Michelli!)

Latest is, there may be someone in J’s church that could do it. I've asked J to handle it, I just can’t keep this anxiety over the to-do’s in my life right now. I’m tired of feeling anxious all the time, tired of worrying about everything. Did I take the meat out to thaw? What are we going to wear for our engagement shots? Does J have shoes for that? Will I be able to find beads in my stash to whip up something for A’s prom barrettes before Friday? How will I fit everything in this weekend? When will I have time to exercise, my ass is getting bigger and I have a dress to fit into… When will I be able to mop the floors, finish the orders, contribute to the hall bathroom wallpaper fiasco, make the bridesmaid jewelry, meet with the florist, purchase a going-away outfit, choose a ceremony song?? Work out so I won’t be worrying about how I look like in my swimsuit on our honeymoon, and most of all, how I’ll look in my gown on the most important day of my life! And still fit time in for friends and family? “You never answer your phone anymore!” I’m exhausted. That half hour I will spend listening to you bitch about your worthless boyfriend? I could use that time to clean the toilets, make dinner, finish an order. Sorry. Stand in line.

Lately I look in the mirror and do NOT like the woman looking back at me. I KNOW it’s the stress. My skin is so pale, my body is not toned. I’m growing out my hair a bit so I can do something with it for the wedding and right now it is dragging my face down. I put on eye makeup and half way through the day I look like I’ve run a mile and it’s all gone. I cannot wait until December 14, after the wedding, after the preparations. I’m so ready to let all of this go. To be me again. To not worry about things. I’m holding back tears right now typing this. Probably not a good idea to do this at work.

I had hoped to come back with great news, with an uplifting post but really, I needed to come back for a little release. I can let go here, not burden my family or J with these thoughts. If you guys don’t want to listen, you can just leave – I won’t be hurt if you don’t listen, cuz I won’t know! Lol.

We did have our engagement shots this weekend, which was really a lot of fun. I’ll post those once we get them back.

I’m still visiting everyone. Reading your posts entertain me during the slow parts of my work day. Apologies if I don’t comment, I often just… don’t have anything witty to say. Miss you all. Promises of a happier post to come…

6 comments:

Roxrocks said...

You need to stop and ask yourself "is this going to matter in a year? Five years? Ten years?" if not, then let it go. It will be what it will be, Jill, and it will be fabulous! Trust yourself, it will all work out.

Take it from me, the day will be gone before you know it and you'll look back on it and go "HUH?!" and you'll laugh at all the things that went wrong. Where are your bridesmaids right now? They need to be helping you. You have to be able to delegate a bit and who cares if your toilet is clean?!

J loves you and it's totally normal that you're having weird dreams. You have a lot of stress right now.

Buck up little camper, everything will be just fine. I promise. (((HUGS))))

Kelly said...

I agree with roxrocks. Maybe you don't need to make the bridesmaid's jewelry... Maybe you don't need to do the wallpaper at this very moment in time... Maybe it is J's turn to worry about if the meat is thawed for dinner... He loves you and wants this to be a HAPPY time in your life, let him help you more. You don't have to do EVERYTHING. (I know... it's hard... we ARE bloggy soulmates after all. I get that letting things go, or having someone else take care of it, is almost foreign behavior.)

Also, bridesmaids are meant to help. Where is that maid of honor? Ask her to search for some good ceremony songs, and give you a list to pick from.

And, who needs clean toilets/floors anyway? pfft.

;-)

HUGS!

Love you! It will get better.

Anonymous said...

Don't worry about having a "happy" post! This is real life you're living, and things are not always happy. Glad you're real...we are here to listen and offer suggestions if you ask. How the heck are you able to work with all of the stress? Do you have time to walk with J? Walking is so calming and it will give the two of you a chance to talk..hey,sorry you have to contend with troublesome dreams, too! It's just the stress - spa day after the wedding! Or maybe before???!!! Hang in there, Cathy

fatwonkkid said...

Wedding preparations can be a big pain in the butt, especially when you have something all squared away and it unravels.

I found out after my wedding that my photographer was a coke head and due to an armed robbery (after the wedding) he was unable to get our wedding pictures/albums. At least I got the negatives...

Good luck with yours

travistee said...

Oh, I remember having awful dreams like that...just know that it is your subconscious taking stress from your brain...it's all good!

Kitty said...

Hey you ... just seen this ... have a big (((hug))) x

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