Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Deep breath in

and let it out...

Apologies for the bit of upset last week. I appreciate that some of you were concerned, more than you know... thing is, I just needed to let my frustrations and disappointment out but I do have a limit as to just how much I feel comfortable sharing.

This is my journal, as I've said many times before. However, I never want to place anything on here that will make me sad when I come back and read it later. I never want to regret anything. Being so conscious of that, I'm sure I appear flighty, but really, its self preservation, my private side and a little dash of pride.

That said, I'm sweeping it all under the rug. You can't change people and you can't make people see what you see so clearly. So why waste precious moments? Instead let's fill them with the good stuff...

Like what I'm listening to now:

Matt Nathanson, Come on Get Higher
Nadia Oh, Hot Like Wow
Kings of Leon, Sex on Fire & more

I also pulled a couple of cds that were burned just for me by old friends from an old cd case. In an effort to fill up my iPod before vacation, I went digging last night and found these. One was a mix of deep, melodic music... heavy in feeling and sentiment. I found myself thinking of my days as a "youngster", wearing as much black as possible, heavy eyeliner and just sitting in a bar listening to a band with friends who understood the need to not say a word.

The other was wild trance/techno, whatever the kids call it these days. Took me back to a time when we took 2 hours to get ready to hit the dance floor and sweat our asses off, dancing for hours... coming back home looking like we'd been through a hurricane. 3 am Taco Bell runs where calories didn't count because you burned enough to last the week that night on the dance floor.

Funny how music brings back specific memories and feelings.

Of course, listening and remembering placed me in a low mood. Its difficult in this sort of limbo stage I'm in where I don't know what I am. I'm not a mother, wearing her twin sets, baking cookies and fitting exercise in when she can. Nor am I a twenty-something, going on dates with her boyfriend and shopping on Fridays for something new to wear that weekend. I'm not studying to become something. I'm just... here. Just me.

Thankfully J came home last night and got me out of my pity party. He's so good at that. As I told him last night, he knows just when to push me and the right moment to stop.

Come take a shower, he says. I'm too funky to take a shower with you, I say. And I know I'm feeling pitiful and I can't stop myself. I scowl at Mother Nature. She's on her way and man is she a bully sometimes.

He helped me wash the funky mood away. He always does.

Sometimes I wish we had a strainer in our brain to weed out the thoughts that put you in a funk. But then again, we wouldn't know the happy if there wasn't an opposite feeling. Does that make sense?

What music or song pulls a certain emotion or memory for you?


Anonymous said...

I absolutely 100% loved this post. I loved the memories, they made me laugh because I have those memories of my own as well. I love how you put how I feel sometimes into words. It's like a click and I realized, "yes! that's exactly what it is! That's why I don't want to move off the couch, or do anything."

So, I'm there with you, feelin it.
Also, I had a great idea for my penpal. I'm so going to make you a mix cd for my bloggy soulmate! <3 you!!

random moments said...

Aw thanks Kellers! And *GASP* - do you know how long its been since someone has burned me a cd?? Way too long. I'm so 'cited!!

Okay. I have to copy and do one for you too, if I can figure it out on J's new laptop. *squeal!*

Aeryn said...

Wow... this is so strange... everything you are talking about, I have felt so many times, too many times during the past year. And being in school doesn;t help, trust me on that! I thought I was past it, but when I woke up this morning I found out I was back there again... I am not sure I am making sense right now, but I don't know how to explain it. J is so wonderful for getting you out of it. Please appreciate that fully because others are often not inclined to do the same... You;re lucky!

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