Monday, December 17, 2007

Cheese, Boobs and Office Party Rules

Night Club cheese anyone?

So this weekend J and I met a group of friends out for a birthday bash. Well, not so much a bash - more like a really bad hour at a horribly cheesy bar.

J and I are so over the bar scene its not even funny. Been over it. In fact, the night we met each other (that decided our fate as a couple) was one of those nights where we were both dragged to a bar with friends who were not so much over the bar scene. That night should have put the clubbing to rest so that we would never, EVER need to be subjected to the bar scene again.

We were so wrong.

One of our friends is recently divorced and dating another friend of the group. She's young at heart and loves to dance. Therefore, by default, we are victims of cheesy night club sights: cougars wearing skirts small enough to cover only my knee cap, these older women dancing to the beat of their own drum, touching the ground and bouncing their asses while their teeny skirts run up over their bums to expose their thongs.

Some of these people stood on the level we were on, dancing and jigging, raising their hands in a sort of "raise the roof" fashion to a booty shaking song I've never heard before. The women. Y'all, its just too much. I know I already spoke about them but COME ON. If you are over, I dunno, 40ish you really shouldn't be wearing crop tube tops. Really. Its just wrong. Unless you are a prostitute. These women clearly dressed and behaved like they wanted nothing but a quick land in the nearest hotel. Who sticks their fingers in their mouths when they dance?? Ew, ew, EW.

Did I not mention the chic who decided it was okay to fit her extremely full figured bod into a size 4 dress and shove her ta tas up to her neck? This amazonian woman grabbed our friend and I guess for his birthday decided to give him a boobie face washing. You know what I'm talking about - taking his face, shoving it into her large fatty breasts, jiggling them about. Thankfully J & I left before that horrific scene took place but we were told that the birthday boy's girlfriend (the new divorcee) was none too happy. I don't blame her, do you?

Needless to say we left after about an hour. I can't believe I wasted my new top on that evening...

Baber's Office Christmas Party

As I expected, it was fun to get all dolled up and knock back a few glasses free of charge. Met a few of the higher-ups, ate some good food and even took a photo together. The human resources chic will be emailing the photos to everyone so once J sends ours to me (and it deems presentable, meaning J looks as handsome as he really was that night and I look as skinny as I pretended to be) then I'll post it. ;)

I had on my new heels that night and wasn't quite used to them. Imagine me trying to trail behind my long legged boyfriend, teetering and wobbling while loudly whispering to him "Psst! Slow down!" Guess you had to be there. I thought it was funny. (Laugh damn it.)

Small rant about gift giving

People. If someone gives you a present, thank them. Open the present when they give it to you and not two hours later. This person went through the trouble of choosing a gift that would fit you personally and you could show a little appreciation. No need for song and dance; a timely thank you will do just fine.

My Office Christmas Party

And now for a segment of what not to do or talk about at your annual office Christmas party! If you would like to play along, please put your two cents in at the comment box. Any advice is welcome.

Rule #1: Do not whine about your place at the table, especially if you arrive last. Grow the fonk up or get your act together and arrive on time. Besides, if you whine about your position at the table its very likely you are offending the people you are sitting beside.

Rule #2: It is beyond inappropriate to speak of your sex life at this function. I do not want to hear how your husband's mouth dropped when you put on your sexy, see-through lingerie. I know you think you're hot, but I don't. I'm straight. Write that down.

Rule #3: If you are working for the same boss I am, I'm sure you don't have a problem feeding your children. Kinda weird that you boxed up your leftovers along with the table's leftover desserts and appetizers. Especially seeing that most people double-dipped on their side of the dessert. Say it all together now: Ew.


Stacie said...

EW is right! I never did the club scene..ever..My husbands sister is 9 years younger than us and about 7 or 8 years ago, she decided on a visit to our place that we had to go to a club, "just once" I still haven't gotten over the trauma. And yeah...those women pushing 40 acting like they're's really just a whole new level of sad and pathetic. Another level of sad and pathetic was the graying 50ish or more old guy with the 20 yr old girl..ICK! I'm all for age difference, but there was an air of sadness about the whole thing I can't begin to explain..I was 32ish at the time and I felt so out of place there it wasn't even funny. I should blog about that sometime..could make for a funny as heck story.

I can't wait to see pics of you and J all dolled up!

I thought of you today...was in the craft store in the scrap section..

Anonymous said...

Ew. To a lot of that post. ew.

I miss reading comments. Sending comments... and well... blogging!


Will be reading all the time anyway!!

Kitty said...

Ew, ew and ew. But at least it gave you good blog fodder ;-) x

-Papa said...

The ending of this post was a bit gross, the double dipping and all, but even when I was done reading I still couldn't stop chuckling about the cougars at the club. I betcha dollars to Krispy Kreme donuts the dance floor smelled like Ben-Gay, and I would have paid the DJ a Franklin to get on the mic and yell out, "Geritol in the HOWWWWSE!"

moooooog35 said...

I read your title as "Cheese Boobs" - it got confusing and went all downhill from there.

mmmm...cheese boobs.

I used to work with a guy ("Barry" - if you've read my posts on him) who would double dip EVERYTHING. I wouldn't be surprised if he wiped his ass twice with the same piece of toilet paper WITHOUT folding it first.

At parties, he would go straight for the chicken them with his hands.. LICK EVERY FINGER ON EACH OF HIS HANDS...and then go back in for more wings.

We always had a lookout at the door for when he arrived. As soon as he walked in, we new our chance at finger foods had gone south for the rest of the evening.

Open Grove Claudia said...

This is a pretty grumpy post for you. I hope you're all right.

Personally, I think the whole world has gone a little MTV booty bouncing crazy. I've seen women who are easily 50 making it work a lot better than 20 year olds. (shrugging) It's not the age, it's the taste.

I always feel sad. Sad that people are so lonely that they need to expose themselves to find "love". Sad.

random moments said...

stacie - aw how sweet! I can spend hours in the craft stores here, so I limit myself to one trip a month! hehe.

kelly - I didn't realize that you had been shut out. So sad for you (and us too!) It will just make the posts that you can do that much sweeter!

kitty - yes, this is true...

papa - I shouldn't be talking cuz one day I will be a cougar. However, I will embrace my age with applique sweaters, broches and pant suits! (Seriously, I look forward to getting older and acting my age.) ;p

mooog - ha, you said cheese boobs. guess I did too. Double dipping is just icky and should be a known RULE.

claudia - it was pretty grumpy, wasn't it? Maybe the holidays are getting to me? *nose in corner* Promises of a more uplifting post soon, I promise! ;)

I agree - its a sad, sad thing. *sigh*

Nocturnal said...

I'm soooo glad to be in my 40s, no offense; but there is absolutely nothing intriguing about today's 20ish lifestyles.

Growing up on Depeche Mode, The Cure, etc. was the shit.

Good call to head out of dodge you guys.


jason said...

Dont forget about the bartender girl with the strangely long bellybutton, the old men walking around like a pack of wolves on the hunt, elbowing your way up to the bar and then having to YELL INTO THE EAR OF THE PERSON YOU WANT TO TALK TO. Lets make a promise to each other that all future bar visits will be places we can sit down and have a waitress bring drinks. Deal?

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Sounds like good advice for office Xmas parties.

And I enjoyed your vignette on the bar-hopping lifestyle. Reminds me how smart I was to marry early!

Anonymous said...

Kind of funny and at the same time very sad, what happened in the night club. I agree with you on Rules 1 and 2 regarding "My Office Christmas Party".
Huge Teen Tits

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