Monday, June 05, 2006

The L Word

I’ve been meaning to post this all day, but its one of those things that I worry will come bite me in the ass later on. J has been asking me about reading my blog lately, not to mention he gets the biggest kick out of calling me a dork for even having a blog. Of course, I haven’t given him the URL and there are no names on here for googling, so I’m safe, right?

For the last week or two there have been moments with J that feel so perfect that a certain three word remark has come way too close to escaping my mouth. I’ve learned from past relationships that when certain feelings are expressed too quickly and openly that its often cause for disaster. I mean, we’ve been friends for over 10 years, but have only been romantically involved for a little over a month. So, I’ve held it in, bit my tongue, yet we have had a couple of conversations that have danced all around those feelings and three little words.

Saturday J finally met a good friend of mine, Lola (as seen in posts earlier in the year) and everything went amazingly well. We had lunch, margaritas, and great conversation. J had already met Michelli and her hubby, and well, Michelle can get along with a pit bull, so I wasn’t too worried about them liking each other. I really care about my friends/beau getting along with each other and seeing how well they interacted was just one more Ben Franklin in his love account for me.

My new leather sofa was delivered that day, and after Lola and her man left we snuggled down to take a nap on it, to break it in if you will. And that’s when he told me he was falling for me. It couldn’t have been more perfect.

I’ve told him that I’m so worried something is going to take him away, that something is going to happen or come between us. To me, relationships have always been like a walk in the dark in a cluttered house. After a several steps without any bumps you start to feel comfortable enough to let loose, offer up feelings, kiss a little harder, love a little stronger, start walking without your hands in front of you. And then suddenly something smacks you in the knee… a terrible moral difference, a past you can’t accept, commitment issues. I’m waiting for that something to smack me in the knee, but it hasn’t yet.

We talked about the L word again on Sunday out at the river. Hearing him express his feelings openly but with this obvious child-like vulnerability made my heart hurt.

*DJ told me I needed to post, so there, I’ve posted. Now I’m the one feeling all vulnerable… ;)


djmetronome said...

I love this sort of thing...I've very happy for you. Walking in the dark doesn't always mean "bumping into things" it long enough...eventually there's daylight.

be carefull about the assumption that online equal annonymity...I've made that me...your blog can be found (mine was, by my ex i was writing about...the one from baton rouge =)

Romantic Fool said...

I think that if you are in a relationship, then anything that you say here would be something that you would tell that significant other, maybe, some day. It's a purely need to know basis. Does any of this make sense? Its too early in the morning!

Michelle Sanders said...

Well, I agree that what is said here will most likely (and should) be revealed sooner or later to him if this relationship evolves. I think for the most part he realizes how you feel and seems to be ok with it and even feels the same way so no harm would be done that I can see. I'm just so glad you are getting along so well and that you are even talking about a guy. I've known you for a little while now and it's not a common thing for you to gush. Ok, I realize this is going to require an e-mail...I'll shut up now.

James said...

A couple of things...first of all, I think you know, don't give him your blog address. I think your blogs have some pretty intense feelings I'd hate to see you censor them.

I'm confused also, so did you (or he) say 'I love you' or no? Or did you just talk about the 'L' word? Did he only say he had feelings for you? I wasn't quite sure since at the lake/river whatever you said you were talking about the 'L' word. Anyway if you can't tell I'm confused and need some breakfast. I think im stumbling around in the morning darkness that is pre-coffee James.

Fo shnizzle.

randommoments said...

He told me that he was falling in love with me. Then later at the river he asked if it was too soon or if it would freak me out if he would happen to use those three little words. And then he used them. I reciprocated. There's nothing worse than a "thank you" after you express yourself with those loaded words.

It was really a lot less cheesy than I'm laying it out. All I can remember are his words and his eyes, and the 12 year old screaming "move from downstream! I gotta pee!"

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